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Title: Mixed Emotions
Author: SunRei
Rating: K or K+
Summary: This story begins with a 'novelization' of a well known scene from 'Barbarians at the Planet' from season 1. Lois has something surprising to say to Clark and to Superman.
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Mixed Emotions
(Part I of III)
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Metropolis' hottest reporting team slowly strolled through Centennial Park. Clark was nervously glancing at his partner out of the corner of his eyes as they walked. So much had happened in the last few days, and he wasn't sure of how their relationship was going to survive. There was the news that The Planet was going under, and then, miraculously, Lex Luthor had swooped in as some sort of savior buying the paper and saving jobs. His own disbelief about Luthor’s intentions led to an astounding revelation from Lois that the bas#&$%d had proposed to her.

Clark knew that even had he not had his own shaky history with Luthor in his other guise, he would not have been able to regard the proposal with an unbiased eye. He was currently on an emotional roller coaster. The destruction of The Planet, the accusation of guilt slapped on his young friend Jack, the announcement of retirement by his mentor, the threat of losing his best friend, and Lois's continuing support of Luthor was turning his ride into a despairing plunge.

He morosely thought about his colleagues from work who were now scrambling to find ways to put their lives back together. He would miss them all, but mostly, his thoughts were on Lois Lane. He knew that he loved her. He'd known it for quite a while now, although not as long as his mother claimed to have known.

He'd been attracted to her from the first time he saw her, even though it felt more like he was drawn to her- something akin to a moth and a flame. He hadn't really resigned to the fact that he was in love with her until later, after they’d become closer. There were numerous times when they'd been able to finish one another's sentences, and had acted as if being able to read the other's mind.

Sometimes he felt that his mother had powers of intuition that made his own special abilities pale in comparison. When he had talked to his parents about his feelings, she'd smiled knowingly and told him that she'd known he was in love from the first time he mentioned Lois. Perhaps if he'd come to terms with it that early, he wouldn't be in the position he was in now. Perhaps Luthor would have never been part of the equation. Perhaps...

Before, he’d thought that the true assessment of his love was to resign himself to being her friend. His deep reliance on her company caused him to believe that it was better to have her as a close friend in the semi-intimate relationship they currently had over not having her at all.

The recent events now had him convinced that he had been kidding himself all along. All that stuff about keeping his feelings to himself as a token of his love was crap. It worked while she was single and they were able to be friends, but now... The threat of her being whisked away by his nemesis put everything in a new light. There would be no way that they would be able to stay close friends and spend as much time together as they did before.

Thus, it wasn't until he couldn't imagine breathing without her in his life that he understood exactly how much he loved her. Compared to what he thought he’d felt before, the gaping hole he felt consume his chest when he imagined her gone was more powerful than all of his abilities combined.

Taking another glance in her direction, he fought against the instinct his body had to double over in response to the deep fluttering that pierced his abdomen. Ironic that even Superman wasn't invulnerable to butterflies.

Seeing an empty park bench, he led Lois to it and they sat down.

~\s/~

Lois felt Clark's eyes on her as she looked up at the sky. She hoped he was reconsidering his brash rejection to her offer for them to be partners at LNN. She wasn't overly thrilled about going into television, but her own insecurities about what to do without the Planet left her putting false bravado into beginning the new career. The recent events had shaken up her life, and she was feeling vulnerable and not a little unsure. Somehow, the thought of Clark being by her side during the transition wrapped around her like a child's security blanket.

The Planet had been more her home than her own apartment. It had been the pinnacle of her dreams as a child, and the globe proudly sitting on the top of the building had been a personal symbol of her success. She loved the smell of the ink and paper. She loved the way her fingers would get dirty as she read through the freshly printed editions. Television would never compare.

She couldn't fathom that everything was changing. She knew that when she really calmed down and let it all sink in, she would break down. She hated the feeling of being out of control, so she purposely hadn't given herself an opportunity to dwell on it. Escapism, Dr. Friskin would call it.

Did she love Lex Luthor? No. She couldn't honestly say that she did. It was thrilling to have someone with that much power focus it on her. Could she be relishing in Luthor's attentions because the other powerful man she wanted to woo her refused to do so? Anyone had to agree that it was flattering to be the desired woman rather than the rejected one.

Her first reaction had been to be as devastated as everyone else, but seeing Perry's pained expression and hearing his choked tones had left her feeling as if she'd been gutted. The man had always been a pillar of strength for her, her only source before she'd opened her heart to accept Clark's friendship. Seeing Perry's resolve wane had been like watching a parent in deep grief. Afraid of what she would do if she let the situation get to her, she’d hidden her true feelings behind an optimistic speech about their future.

She heard Clark clear his throat, and turned to face him.

~\s/~

"What is it, Clark?" she sighed wearily. Lois didn’t know what Clark wanted to talk about, but she didn't want to argue about her decisions anymore.

"Lois, when I thought about losing my job at the Planet, saying goodbye to Perry, Jimmy, everyone..." he faltered, unsure of how to proceed. Steeling his will, he continued, "I realized something. I realized I could lose all of that and still go on. I realized there was only one thing I didn't want to live without... and that was you. Seeing you every morning, working with you; being with you."

Lois was relieved. She really was scared he would desert her and leave her to be alone. Before he'd come along, that would have been preferable, but once you opened yourself up to somebody, it was hard to let them go.

With a slight smile she sat forward a bit. "That's why you should..."

Shaking his head, he stopped her. He knew she was thinking that he'd changed his mind. "No. Lois, listen to me. I'm not talking about the partnership. I'm talking about us."

He sought her gaze and held it for a brief moment, hoping to draw strength from it. "I've been in love with you for a long time."

Lois studied Clark's expression, unsure of how to respond.

"You must have known," he offered flatly, trying to cover the emotion that sat in a large lump in his throat.

Lois closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to see the pain in his when he heard her response. "I knew..." She found that she couldn't keep her eyes averted. Somehow, she found herself drawn back to his gaze. "...Well I knew that you liked me, were attracted to me, but..."

She fought the urge to touch him, and thought back to the feelings of frustration she would have every time he ran out on her. "I'm sorry. I don't think about you in that way... romantically."

She looked down to study her hands. "Clark, you're my best friend, the only partner I could ever stand to work with. I admire you, respect you, and I do love you… but only as a friend," she added quickly, hoping to make the blow less painful.

"And Luthor?" he spat. "Do you love him?" The sharp pain Clark was feeling caused his words to come out clipped and harsh.

"I don't know," she replied honestly. "I do have feelings for him."

She absentmindedly ran a finger over the space on her hand that would be occupied by a wedding ring. "I haven't said yes, yet. And I won't, until I've talked it over with someone else."

Clark thought he tasted bile. "Who?" he demanded, standing to his feet. Every muscle in his body was contracted, and he felt the need to flee before he exploded.

"I think you know. If you see him, will you tell him I'm looking for him?"

Clark refused to look at her. Instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets and briskly walked away from the park.

Lois watched his retreating figure. Part of her wanted to call him back, but a familiar feeling of frustration surfaced. Making her way to her car, she felt exhausted. She didn't want to hurt him, but she didn't know what else to do. She scanned the area looking for him. The least she could do was give him a ride home, right?

But she didn’t see him. He had completely disappeared. Perhaps that was for the best. He probably needed some air.

~\s/~

Clark flew toward the atmosphere as fast as he dared. How could she destroy his life and ask him to find her 'beau' all in the same breath? How could she be so cruel and callous? She’d shown her true colors as 'Mad Dog Lane' that night.

‘I think you know,’ she’d said. Did his feelings mean anything to her?

‘Will you tell him I'm looking for him?’ she'd asked. Right. Going to see her as her hero was the last thing he wanted to do. Right now, he wanted to get as far away from her as he could. Holding his breath as he breached the atmosphere, a tear drifted horizontally away as it squeezed from the corner of his eye.

His gaze settled on a familiar glowing mass in the sky, and he let out a ragged scream, expelling the air he'd saved in his lungs. The night he had finally admitted to himself that he loved Lois Lane, he’d been star gazing. Metropolis’ night sky was muted from the expanse of streetlights and glowing windows in skyscrapers. He’d flown into space to see the constellations that he’d enjoyed tracing as a child. There was one particular star that night that he’d never noticed before. He might have just been star-crossed by the new feeling of love he was allowing himself to feel for the first time, but it had reminded him of the gleam he’d seen in her eyes the first day they’d met.

For weeks after that first sighting, he’d continued to look to the sky for that star, and eventually he’d bought and named it after the woman who would always hold his heart.

Right now he wanted to fly at full force and release his anger on the very object that he’d looked to for solace in the past. Instead, he found himself slowly returning to Earth. Back to Lois. He would let Superman visit her. She had asked, and he knew that there was nothing he could deny her.


~\s/~

Lois was curled up on the sofa watching TV. As she flipped through the channels, she stalled when she got to LNN. Grimacing at the anchor delivering the latest headlines, she wondered if she would be able to manage as easily as she’d led everyone to believe. She would be behind a desk, and she wouldn’t be able to investigate. The worse part of the whole thing was that she would actually be doing reports on someone else’s news.

Oh Clark, she thought. She wasn't expecting a visit from Superman. The more she thought about it, the worse she felt. There was no doubt that Clark would be feeling hurt and angry and wouldn't want to have anything to do with her or her request. With those thoughts foremost in her mind, she was startled when she heard a familiar rush of air behind her. Standing, she turned to see the muscular figure of Superman.

He was standing in his normal pose, arms crossed formidably across his upper torso. What wasn’t normal was the hard glint in his eyes – an expression much harder than the ones he usually graced her with. That and his sudden arrival left her flustered.

"Superman!"

"I heard you wanted to see me." His words were curt and short, as if he were trying to hint that he really needed to be going.

"Yes." Lois felt an internal let down. He wasn't going to make this easy. She struggled for a way to gather her thoughts. "Please, come in. I'll just put on a robe."

"Unless its lead lined, Lois, it's a waste of time."

Superman grimaced at his quick retort. His own emotional turmoil was making him speak rashly. He would have never have spoken to her that way as Superman before. His already bruised pride wouldn't consider an apology, but he felt the need to try to control his anger. Superman had no reason to be upset with Lois. Clark, on the other hand, did.

"I guess so," Lois blushed, unconsciously turning her body away from her visitor. She began rubbing her hands together nervously. "Anyway, I'm just trying to figure out..."

Boy, this is difficult, she thought. She began again, "Well, there've been a lot of changes going on in my life and I'm trying to make the right... decisions... But I can't until I know... how you feel."

She moved to close the distance between them. Superman was still standing like a statue right next to her window and Lois felt the need to bring some warmth back into his gaze. His affronted demeanor was certainly foreign to the way he normally looked at her, especially when he thought she wasn't looking.

He was refusing to meet her eyes, so she put a hand on his chest, biting back a sigh when she felt him flinch slightly at the touch.

"Superman, is there any hope for us? You and me? I'm so completely in love with you that I can't do anything else without knowing." The words spilled out from her like a bursting dam and she felt a sense of relief after letting them out. With all the turmoil of the last few days, this was the first time she was able to be truly honest about how she was feeling.

Superman couldn't believe the absurdity of this situation. Shaking his head, he said, "Lois, I do care for you. But..." The hand on his chest had originally sent an unwelcome feeling of tenderness for this woman. Now, as their earlier conversation flashed through his mind, it was more of an insult.

"There are things about me you don't know. That you may never know." How could she claim to love this alien whom she only saw after hanging in the jaws of danger, he asked himself bitterly.

Lois felt him withdrawing and fought to find the words to prevent it. "It doesn't matter. I know *you*. And I don't mean the celebrity or you the 'superhero.' If you had *no* powers, if you were just an ordinary man leading an ordinary life, I’d love you just the same. Can't you believe that?"

His throat tightened painfully. This couldn't be happening. Was she really trying to convince him that she wanted the very thing she threw away just a few hours earlier?

"I wish I could, Lois. But, under the circumstances, I don't see how I can."

A number of emotions suddenly flared up in Lois, with anger being the most prominent one. Tears jumped to her eyes, and she turned away, trying to gain control. How could he infer that she didn’t know the truth about how she felt? What did he mean by 'under the circumstances?’ She should be the one feeling slighted by the 'circumstances.' He had no right!

Lois had been holding her emotions in check too long to be successful this time. Spinning around wildly, she hissed, "You are such a coward!"

Superman had turned to the window in preparation for his departure, but upon hearing her charge, he slowly lowered his arms. If it had been any other day, any other time, or any other person throwing such an accusation at him, he would have ignored it and gone about his business. Who could possibly call the invulnerable Man of Steel a coward?

He tuned to be confronted by the flushed face of Lois Lane.

He gave her a nasty smirk. "What? No longer star struck? It's more your practice to comment on my other impressive attributes." He ran a hard look down the length of her body and roughly pulled her against him, still being careful not to hurt her with his force despite his anger. "You have many fine ones as far as I can see."

Lois pulled away, reaching up to slap him as she moved. He caught her wrist, and reached for her waist again.

"Stop!" she demanded through gritted teeth.

He ignored her and pulled her to him again.

"Quit!" she cried, struggling to be released from his grip.

Again, he ignored her protests, moving his face toward hers with eyes shining in anger.

"Don't." Lois pushed away with finality in her voice, and this time he released her.

Somewhere deep inside his conscious, he was shocked at his behavior, but he refused to let that feeling surface. Instead he concentrated on fueling his own inner furnace.

"Just a minute ago you were asking for my love. Now you don't want to touch me. Make up your mind. I have better things to do."

"That wasn’t a display of love, you..." Lois struggled with the desire to lash out him but instead moved to create more distance between them. "You make me so angry sometimes. For as well as you know me, how can you believe that I don’t know how I feel about you?"

"You don't know me as well as you think you do."

"I know you better than you could imagine," she mumbled quietly.

Superman heard her retort easily and scoffed. She was proverbially as blind as a bat. "What kind of sense does it make to call a super man a coward, if you know so much?" Internally he cringed at how close to the truth about his character she actually might be.

"Oh, sure. You can leap tall buildings in a single bound. You can bend steel with your bare hands. You can wrestle a lion or defeat a bear. You fight mudslides. You'd swim in a volcano to save someone. For any other man that might be bravery, but not for you. None of that puts you in harm's way… You don't conquer a fear or face death by doing any of that."

"Wow, such flattery. How could you claim to love a man who's such a craven?"

Lois momentarily softened. "Because while all of that may not show bravery, it does show dedication, selflessness, nobility, integrity... chivalry. No. For you, bravery would be opening your life to someone else. Opening your heart. Sharing your joys, your tears, and your secrets..."

Lois became uncomfortably aware that she was equally talking about herself.

"I'm sorry," Superman said flatly. "I can't give you what you want." He turned to face the window again, preparing to leave.

"Is it so hard to believe that I could love an ordinary man who would hold me when I have pain? Someone who cares about everyone around him and proves it every day with his actions? A man who would sit and listen to my dreams, and walks beside me day in and day out? Would it be wrong of me to love a man that pledges to be my friend no matter what happens? A man who is always there to catch me when I fall?"

Superman shook his head. This was unbelievable. She had no idea what she was talking about.

Lois watched his figure slouch as she talked. Anyone else wouldn't have seen it, but she was so attuned to him that she could almost hear what he was thinking.

"And what if that ordinary man just happened to have some extraordinary powers?" she continued, moving closer to him. "Could you not believe that I would feel the same about him whether or not he wore a cape? Sure, it would be pretty amazing to see him streak across the sky, or lift a space station with his bare hands, but that wouldn’t be all... It would be even more amazing to know that this amazing man loves *me*. That he would choose to expose his soul to me, and trust me to care for the only vulnerable part of him- his heart."

He wanted to cry. Everything she said was exactly what he wanted, except she'd refused to give it to him in one outfit, and was pleading with him to receive it in another. How had this gotten to be so out of control? She was unaware of it, but her own actions contradicted the very words she was saying. There was no way he could believe her.

"The worse part about all of this," Lois was saying, "is the fact that you can't be honest with me. Don't you think I have the right to be upset that you don't feel you can trust me? And then you expect me to swoon at your declaration of love as if that makes everything okay?"

Superman turned around abruptly to face her. What was she talking about? His declaration of love making her swoon? Did she think that his attempt at kissing her earlier was his way of trying to tell her that the superhero returned her affection? He gaped at her speechless, unsure of how to respond.

"Say something," she demanded.

"I... I'm not sure what you are getting at here, Lois. I've told you already that although I do have feelings for you, I don't think that there is any way this could work out."

"Liar!"

He was totally flabbergasted at that and threw his hands up in defeat. "What do you want, Lois?!"

Lois was again overcome with anger. He was such a dolt at times.

"I am so tired of the games!" she shouted. Calmer, she added, "We both are guilty here. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"What are you talking about? You can't hurt me."

Lois sighed and dropped heavily onto the sofa she was standing beside. She was exhausted. This wasn't going the way she'd planned, but then again, she hadn't really planned anything.

"It all happened so suddenly. I never expected you to confess your love for me... well, not really. And earlier when I asked for Superman, it was kind of a reaction... I guess. I was really hoping that you would tell me the truth... to show me that you were serious enough to throw all your insecurities to the wind, because maybe then I would be able to the same," she stammered, aware that she was talking in circles and not getting to what she really wanted to say.

Superman simply watched her warily, without speaking.

"Somehow in my mind, I expected you to just come out and tell me. That your love for me was powerful enough to make you break your own rules. I felt that maybe I needed to push you. That if I pushed you into a corner, you would confess."

"Confess what? Push me how?"

She locked eyes with his. "Tonight at the park."

His mind spiraled. He rehearsed everything she had been saying, trying to piece together what she was trying to infer. "Wh... What?"

"I was asked to love half a man. I needed you to share with me the whole one. I... I needed you to tell me..."

He raised a hand to his eyes and began massaging his temples.

"I needed you to show me that you loved me more than your secret. I needed you to show me that the super man that I am in love with was really the only man I have ever truly loved... Clark Kent."

The butterflies that had been circling his stomach earlier that night all turned to rocks as his breathing ceased.

She knew.
...

End Part 1

Stirred Feelings

(Part II of III)
----

A wise man once told him, “When faced with a truth that you are unprepared for, you have two options. Either you grab the boar by the tusks and step face first into your destiny, or you hide behind a false sense of security.”

Unfortunately, at the point when this situation confronted Clark, he was unable to think objectively. In fact, he wasn’t able to think at all. Instead of using the old seer’s words to propel him bravely into the unknown, he clung to his instinct.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he uttered weakly after a long hesitation.

Lois turned quickly on the couch, putting her back to him so he would not be able to see her reaction to his denial. Tears sprang to her eyes for yet another time that night and she began to tremble with anger. She’d had enough.

“Um… Superman, could you please leave?”

A red penalty flag flew up in his mind. This wasn’t going right. Maybe he should have just given in.

“L…Lois?” he asked tentatively, trying to tiptoe around the frozen tone she’d responded with.

“No. You’re absolutely right. I was mistaken. I don’t know what I was thinking. How could I have thought that you and Clark were the same person? That’s absurd!” she exclaimed into her hands.

Clark mentally wished for her to turn around so he could see her face. Part of him was relieved that she realized she was wrong about his mixed identity, but another part was yelling at him to come clean.

“Lois, are you crying? I didn’t mean to upset you…”

He marveled at his own change of heart. When he’d first flown to her window, he was angry and hurt. Now, his mood was more subdued, largely due to the speech Lois had given just a few moments before. She had claimed to be in love with some kind of hybrid personality of himself and Superman. Or, of himself and Clark, he silently amended glancing down at his suit. Could she really love both of ‘him’? This was getting confusing. He straightened his posture, noticing that he’d started to relax into his Clark demeanor.

“I’m just embarrassed,” Lois replied softly. Evenly.

Superman tilted his head slightly. She didn’t sound embarrassed. In fact, she almost sounded angry, but Lois didn’t ever hide her anger, so he couldn’t be sure. He moved to step toward the couch.

Lois heard the movement and turned to face him. The wild look in her eyes made him stop short. Wow, he thought. He had his answer. She was excessively angry.

“It’s late,” she remarked stiffly. “I would like to go to bed. Please leave. Now.”

She rose from the couch and took an intimidating step toward him. An irrational fear flashed through his mind that she was going to push him out of the open window behind him, and he stepped backwards. Instead of coming near him, she headed to the phone and picked up the handset.

“Um… Who are you calling?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I owe Lex an answer.”

The mention of that name caused all of the pain of the evening to resurface. She’d given that whole speech about her love for Clark and Superman, and now, when she found out that she couldn’t have them both, she decided to go for Luthor. Without another word, he flew out of the apartment as fast as he could without causing the windows to burst from the change in air pressure.

~\s/~

For the second time that night, Clark found himself breaching Earth’s atmosphere. His mind whirled as he battled his annoying inner voice. She was ready to go jump in the bed with a man she didn’t love after claiming to love two other men!



And she was putting herself in danger that even he wouldn’t be able to protect her from. He couldn’t realistically interfere with a marriage could he?



With that thought, he made a midflight 180-degree turn and flew back in the direction of her apartment. She’d confronted him with the secret he’d been keeping all of his life. Her mindset had been that if she pushed him into a corner he’d have to confess. She’d pushed, and he’d turned yellow. She’d told him that she was in love with the ordinary man with the extraordinary powers, and he’d lied to her and said he wasn’t that man.



And now she was calling the world’s biggest crook to accept his marriage proposal, and it was all his fault. He had been keeping the truth about Luthor to himself because he didn’t have any proof as Clark. But as his true self, the man that was both Clark *and* Superman, he could tell her what he knew and she would believe it… Hopefully. He’d had the chance to reveal all and had blown it.



The light wasn’t on in her window, and for the first time in forever, it was closed and locked. As he scanned her apartment with his x-ray vision, he saw that she was no longer there. His heart fell as he realized she was probably on her way to see Luthor.

Spinning around violently, he searched for her Jeep, and found it still parked in its usual spot on the street. Would Luthor have already picked her up in his Limo? No, he mused. He hadn’t been gone long enough for that. He figured she must still be in the building and on her way down to the ground level. He scanned the interior of the building hastily, dodging the insides of the various apartments to preserve privacy. He felt nauseous when he didn’t find her anywhere inside of the walls.

Just as he thought he would lose his mind, he tuned into a familiar low thudding sound and felt warmth fill his body as he listened to her heartbeat. He followed the noise to a lone silhouette walking slowly along the sidewalk of the neighboring block.

The only coherent thought that he had was to stop her from going to see Luthor. She may have talked to him on the phone, but a proposal was only verified when face-to-face… Right?

He swooped and picked her up, immediately flying away from the city.

~\s/~

“Put me down!” Lois squealed, reeling from the shock of being suddenly grabbed.

“Sorry, can’t do that.”

Glancing down, she found herself reaching to hold onto him, wrapping her arms around his neck in reaction to their height. “This is kidnapping,” she shot at him through clenched teeth.

Lois was silent throughout the flight, refusing to answer him when he tried pointing out a few of the landmarks they passed. Shortly, they set down on a mesa somewhere in the Southwest.

“What do you want?” she asked, refusing to meet his eyes.

“I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

“And you couldn’t do that on the street? In Metropolis?”

“I needed to talk to you… without you running away.”

“Ergo you come and snatch me away from my comfort zone so you can have the upper hand. What a man,” she muttered sarcastically. “Well, the ball’s in your court.”

Superman sighed and rubbed his chin. “You can’t marry Luthor,” he stated blandly.

Lois didn’t respond. She just stood watching him silently.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”

She grunted and turned away from him, studying the expanse of color that streaked the sky before her. He’d said that already.

“You were right,” he tried again.

“About what?”

“About me.”

“What about you?”

“That I’m Superman!” he exclaimed getting frustrated with her lack of interest.

Lois glanced over her shoulder. “I can see that,” she said pointedly.

He groaned, realizing that he’d forgotten about the suit. He scrubbed a hand through his hair roughly. He was beginning to confuse himself with which identity he was supposed to be. “I meant to say that I’m Clark. Clark is Superman, and Superman is Clark.”

“I know.”

His stomach lurched. He knew he had been fooling himself when he thought she had changed her mind earlier. There was no doubt in his mind that she was furious with him. He knew that he was just now entering the eye of the storm - a quiet similar to that of a tornado that gets calm right before the worst part hits.

Lois turned to face him, determined not to cry. It was ridiculous really. He stood there in front of her with his hair all mussed up like Clark, but decorated in primary colors and a cape.

“Can you change please?” she asked, gesturing to his outfit.

In a rapid blur of colors and wind, he spun into his civvies. Her jaw dropped as her partner Clark appeared before her, dressed in faded jeans and a black t-shirt. She forced her mouth shut and steeled her emotions again. She would not allow awe to be one of the things she felt toward him right now.

Coming out of the spin, he held his glasses in his right hand. They were a physical symbol of the secret he’d held all of his life. As much as putting on a suit so that he could fly, donning the spectacles allowed him to be the ordinary man who couldn’t. But as Lois had pointed out, he was both of those people. Hoping that she would understand the action as an attempt to show his willingness to be completely honest, he tucked the glasses into his shirt pocket.

The gesture was not lost on Lois, and she took a moment to study his bare face. The clothes and hair were definitely Clark, but without the glasses she saw his face clearly as if for the first time. The entire look put together was the true view of both men wrapped into one. What struck her as most important, though, was the fact that she was the only one who would ever get to see this side of him.

Clark watched as she studied him, hoping that somehow, magically, she would give him her patented smile, and everything would be right in his world again. Her brow furrowed and reality swarmed in.

“You lied to me.”

“Lois, I swear to you, I never lied. I just didn’t… tell you everything.” At her pained look he remembered his earlier denial and mentally kicked himself. “Okay, but I promise, that was the only time. I panicked. I was an idiot. No one has ever cornered me like that and I didn’t know how to respond.”

“You’ve lied to me every day that I’ve known you… and you were the only one I had left to trust…”

“No, no. I didn’t lie,” he started.

Lois was incensed. Even when he was claiming to be honest he still lied! Talk about adding insult to injury. “Cheese of the Month club?!” she demanded.

“I donate the cheese- I really don’t eat that much…”

“Ha! Library books? Returning videos? I’m supposed to believe that you really did those things?”

Clark shrugged sheepishly and looked at his hands. “There were times when I would have to check them out and then turn them in at the same time…”

The edge dissipated from her anger. He’d done those things to protect his integrity to her- even though she hadn’t known about his secret, and probably never would have.

“You can’t marry Luthor.”

She rolled her eyes. For the prolific journalist that she knew him to be, he was relying on repeated material far too much in this conversation. “You said that already.”

“Listen, I know that we have some things to work out, but I just can’t let you go into this thing blindly. Luthor’s a dangerous man.”

“I’m tired of having this argument with you, Clark. There is nothing to support your distrust of Lex,” she sighed.

Tempting fate, he stepped close to her and placed his hands on her arms, making her focus her attention on him.

“Not me. Superman has enough to support it.”

Lois cringed. “You’re doing it again! We already established that you are him… I mean, that he is you.”

“Okay, okay,” he replied calming her. “I’ll tell you what I know.”

He shared with her the confrontations he’d had with Luthor as Superman. He told her of his suspicions of Luthor being behind the heat waves, and the feeling that the billionaire was trying to test the super hero’s powers. He told her of the conversations he’d had with Luthor, and how he only lacked the physical evidence- not the motivation- to put him behind bars for the rest of his life.

Lois listened wide-eyed as she silently tried to come to terms with the information Clark was relating. It wasn’t that she didn’t believe him. That was actually the problem. She believed him and that fact was what was causing an inner meltdown that she was unprepared for.

As he talked, little snippets of memories started to slide into place like pieces of a puzzle. During the time she’d spent with Lex, she hadn’t seen anything in his behavior to make her suspicious of his true intentions. Now, confronted with the story from a different perspective, red flags flew up in a number of different instances.

The night she had secured her exclusive interview with Lex- the night of the Wild Orchid Ball and his announcement about the space station- he had shown them the view from his terrace. ‘I must confess a certain pleasure in knowing that everyone in the city has to look up to see me.’

That comment had seemed harmless at the time. Arrogant maybe, but someone in his position was deserving of such a healthy self-image, right?

Then, on the night of the interview, she’d backed away from his subtle advances, even claiming to not eat dessert in an attempt to keep him focused on business. It was flattering to have someone like Lex want to spend time with her. This man, who could have anything or anyone he wanted in the world at the snap of his fingers had chosen to pursue Lois Lane, a woman some people thought was incapable of emotion.

It wasn’t just dating. Lex had wooed her, complete with roses, expensive gifts, and dinners in exotic places. Lois would have never admitted to being the type of woman who would respond to those things, but she had secretly delighted in the feeling of being desired.

Suddenly chilled in spite of the warm desert night, she rubbed her arms and began to pace. Lex Luthor’s true character was another example of her blindness when it came to those closest to her. Despite all of the walls that she’d put up after being hurt by the men in her life, yet another one had slipped under her radar. Claude had used her and taken an award-winning story but now the stakes were higher. She had been on the verge of giving her life to Lex.

“Lois, are you okay?” Clark asked.

She opened her mouth to respond, but felt her throat contract causing her words to become a sob.

“Oh, Lois,” Clark sighed, and immediately his arms were around her. There was no easy way to break this news to her. He’d tried before, but she had refused to listen, saying that he had no proof and was just speaking out of jealousy. Yes, he was jealous of her affection for Luthor, but he was also genuinely afraid for her safety.

Still crying, she pulled herself out of his embrace. His heart wrenched with the loss, and he couldn’t help but to find a satirical irony in the fact that before tonight, before knowing that he was Superman, she would always allow him to comfort her. Her reaction to the truth about Luthor was disconcerting. He’d suspected that Lois’ relationship with the man was mainly based in flattery. Earlier that day, she’d admitted to not knowing if she loved Luthor, but now her tears made him uncertain.

What did that mean about her feelings for him? Before his cowardice, she had claimed to love both of his identities as a whole. After his immediate denial she hadn’t approached the topic again, and he was sure that she was going to turn to Luthor.

“You can’t blame yourself for not knowing…” he offered. “He’s pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes.”

So have you, Lois thought bitterly. “Why did he choose me?”

“You are the most wonderful, beautiful, caring…” he faltered at her look. That wasn’t the answer she was looking for. “I think he sees you as a challenge. Someone who he has to break to have under his control.”

Lois nodded. “I think I figured that,” she sniffed. “But then again, I think I’ve known that for a while now.” She wiped her eyes and turned her back to him.

“I could feel that Lex was attracted to the fact that he couldn’t control me… That eventually I’d get tired of fighting and give in.”

“Lois, you would have never…”

“No Clark, it’s okay. See, now that I’m faced with it, I think somewhere deep down I was looking forward to it. I have been in control of every feeling, every emotion and every action that I have had my entire life. Do you know what it’s like to hold yourself in reins all of the time? To fear that letting yourself go for just a minute would kill you, but that holding it in any longer would make you explode…”

“I think I do,” he replied softly.

Lois turned and locked eyes with his for a moment before continuing. “I was going to tell him no.”

“What?” he asked, confused.

“Tonight. When you came by and ‘swooped’ me up. I was on my way to see Luthor do I could turn down his proposal.”

Relief flooded Clark and he fought the temptation to smile. Lois had decided herself to say no, even without knowing the truth about the man. He stepped closer. “That’s great! I mean, I’m glad… But, why go to his house? This late?” His concern was immediately on Luthor’s reaction and what he might do in anger.

She smiled wryly. “If it were you, would you want that type of news over the phone?”

Clark dropped his eyes. Her point was well served. “What changed your mind? I mean, after we talked, I thought you were…”

“Angry with you? Yes. But that’s not a reason to run and jump into another man’s arms, is it?” She let out a sharp laugh, obviously on the brink of tears again. “Clark, you were right. How could I have any clue about love?”

He stepped forward and placed a hand on the side of her face, using his thumb to wipe away the single tear that had fallen with her last statement.

“Lois, no… I love you. I love you and you love me. That’s more than I could have ever hoped for. I was wrong. I was wrong to ever doubt that you knew how you felt. I shouldn’t have lied. I’m so sorry,” Clark murmured, trying to reassure her. “I panicked, and ran from the best thing that could have ever happened to me.”

Lois’ arms were still crossed tightly in front of her chest, but her gaze softened as she listened to him. “Clark you are so sweet and wonderful. I don’t know why it took me so long to see that. At the park, you asked me if I loved Lex. I said I didn’t know, but that I had feelings for him. I do… I did.” She sighed. “But even after our talk, I knew that I couldn’t marry someone that I didn’t love. When I imagined my wedding, it wasn’t Lex Luthor that I saw at the end of the aisle.”

Clark could feel her withdrawing from him but felt helpless to stop it.

“Now I find out that he’s a criminal, a master crime boss, and I don’t know how to trust my feelings about anything. It’s my job to see beyond the exterior and I failed to do that twice.”

“You figured it out with me, though. Just a little longer and you would have figured out Luthor too.”

“I’m not so sure anymore. I’m losing my edge.”

“What can I do?”

“I’d like to go home, please.”

Clark nodded and bent to pick her up. She wrapped her arms loosely around his neck as she settled into his embrace. With a slight squeeze, he lifted into the night sky. Flying with Lois was not a new experience but her earlier declaration of love had catapulted him into a new level of awareness. It took every ounce of willpower he had to not turn his head and touch his lips against her neck.

Lois closed her eyes against the wind as they flew. Any other time, she would have been thrilled with the flight, gazing at the terrain they flew over and being fascinated with the experience. On this night, though, her thoughts were preoccupied. Clark had forgotten to do the ‘spin thingy’ to change into his suit before they left, so she was actually flying with Clark Kent, not the superhero. Somehow that fact made it even more special. The trip was conducted in silence and they softly landed on the roof of her building.

As she opened the door to her apartment, Clark put a hand on her shoulder. Lois turned to face him, avoiding eye contact.

“Where do we go from here?” he questioned.

“Well, someone has to dethrone Luthor. Looks like Lane and Kent are back in business,” she replied, trying to voice an enthusiasm she didn’t feel.

“No, Lois. I mean us. You and me. What happens now?”

Lois dropped her head. “I don’t know, Clark. I don’t know if I can trust my feelings anymore.”

“I trust your feelings, Lois. You will too. It’s just going to take some time.”

“Maybe.”

“It is,” he told her, firmly. He lifted her chin so that she was looking at him. “I’ll give you all the time you need, but I’m not going anywhere. I have already run too many times in my life, and I will not run from you. I love you. I will tell you that every time I get the chance. I’ll keep saying it until you can trust it enough to be the foundation for your feelings for me. I couldn’t change the way I feel about you even if I tried to. Let me show you?”

Without waiting for her answer, he tilted his head and leaned closer, bracing himself with a hand against the wall behind her. He was centimeters away from her lips when she blinked, spilling unshed tears.

“Clark,” she cried.

“Shh. Don’t think, don’t talk, just feel. We’ll figure this out together.”

He leaned closer and pressed his lips lightly to hers, feeling them soften as she returned the kiss. He pulled back seconds later, unwilling to move her too quickly into this new realm of relationship. She needed to trust herself first, and he couldn’t rush it.

She reached up and touched his lips with her fingertips as she stepped backwards through the doors of her apartment.

“Good night,” she whispered.

“I’ll be back tomorrow,” he said.

She nodded and gave him a tentative smile. Encouraged, his face lit up with a grin. “And the day after that. And the one after that…”

Laughing softly, she slowly closed the door. He took a moment to lay a hand against it before moving toward the stairwell. This day had certainly been one of the longest ones of his life, and while he couldn’t be physically affected like other people, he was emotionally exhausted from the range of sensations he’d experienced.

From the sidewalk, he looked up to the window of Lois’ apartment, pleased to see her watching him at the same time. Of all the feelings he’d gone through that day, from the nervousness, the pain of rejection, the confusion, the elation, the relief… there was one that was more powerful than them all. It was what he felt staring up at the woman whose heart he was determined to mend.

Love.

...

End Part 2

Shaken Sentiments
(Part III of III)
-----

Weeks had passed since that fateful night tempered with confessions of love and insecurities. Clark had been true to his word and hadn’t attempted to take their relationship any further. He had, as promised, found a way to tell her that he was in love with her each day. Lois looked forward to seeing what his creativity birthed each morning.

Sometimes it was a note scribbled on the napkin that bore her pastry ‘de jour’. Other times brought a fading message finger carved in the condensation around a plastic cup of iced mocha. While plastic cups didn’t make as nice keepsakes as the napkins did, her favorite declarations were simply those voiced in a hushed tone when Clark was able to corner her alone.

Lois sighed and glanced around the makeshift newsroom in hopes of locating the man who was the focus of her thoughts. There were times of instant panic that overtook her as her overactive mind would tell her that the next day would be the day he stopped loving her. What man would wait this long for a woman whose fear of emotional commitment bordered on neurotic?

She knew that she loved Clark. She became surer of it every day, and yet she was still unable to jump in head first, throwing caution to the wind. Ironic, she thought to herself, seeing as that’s how I do everything else.

The careful avoidance of intimacy had not done anything to help her come to terms with her feelings. Instead, she missed the hugs, arm rubs, and gentle caresses that had become second nature between them. That, and there was an extra electricity that shimmered in the air when they were close.

Clark had told her that he would give her time to decide what she wanted, and at the time it had sounded like the right idea. She had been questioning her instincts and if she could trust herself to love again. Time and distance was what she thought she needed, but she had only become more convinced that she needed him near her the more he was away. If her dreams were any indication of what she was subconsciously craving, she knew what she wanted, and she wanted it now.

~\s/~

Stepping from the stairwell, Clark couldn’t keep the grin from spreading across his face as he saw Lois sitting at the table she was using as a desk. She was leaning back in her chair, thoughtfully gazing in the direction of her laptop screen while nibbling on the eraser of a pencil.

The Daily Planet building was still in shambles and no rebuilding efforts were yet in the works as the police were still conducting their investigation. Fortunately, Perry’s retirement had been cut short when Franklin Stern had bought the rights to the paper from Luthor. The Planet wouldn’t be putting out any papers anytime soon, but that hadn’t stopped the core group of Lois, Clark, Perry, Jimmy, and Eduardo from doing what they could to regroup. As much as the evidence seemed to be pointing at Jack, none of them believed it, and thus, they had work to do to get him in the clear.

Lois had finally gotten the chance to inform Luthor of her decision to reject his proposal. To Clark’s relief the meeting was held during daylight hours, in the public confines of a LuthorCorp conference room, and with the (unknown to both Lois and Lex) presence of a nearby eavesdropping Superman. It might have been attributed to the fact that the conference room had glass walls that Lex had taken the news so calmly, but Clark feared Luthor’s last word had yet to be heard.

Since their investigation into his possible illegal dealings had run cold, Luthor’s pending retaliation could play into their hands. The thought made Clark both frightened and anxious at the same time. He hated the idea of Lois inadvertently being used as a target or as bait, but he instinctively knew that Luthor wasn’t one to give up easy, and he certainly wasn’t going to take no for an answer without a fight. A disturbing image of a bull seeing red flashed into Clark’s mind. If anything, Lois’s rejection had probably piqued Lex’s attention- not deterred it.

It was thoughts like those that made him ever aware of the danger Lois courted on a daily basis. Without having an official place of work and no official stories, things had been extremely calm and uneventful for the partners. Clark’s duties as Superman hadn’t stopped, of course, but he found it to be quite a relief that unlike normal, his rescue efforts weren’t dominated by one Lois Lane, inexorable reporter.

There were other thoughts about her safety that had been plaguing him lately as well, and the combination of all his worries left him feeling hesitant. There was no doubt in his mind that he loved that woman – he spent every possible moment trying to rebuild her trust him both him and in herself – but there were times when he wondered if love and trust were enough.

“Oh!” Lois exclaimed, having turned around in her chair and been startled by his presence behind her. “How long have you been standing there?”

Clark blinked out of his abstraction and shrugged. “Not long.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly and she seemed to sense his distraction. “Everything go okay?” she asked, making a subtle movement with her hand that mimicked flight.

“Yeah,” he answered with a slight shrug. “I had to give the story to the Star.”

Lois grimaced at that, but until they had the capability of putting out their own news, farming stories out to other establishments was a necessary evil. All the same, she couldn’t wait to get back to business. Clark rubbed his hands on his pants and her attention was once again drawn to his apparent unease.

“How about some lunch?” he suddenly blurted, giving the impression that it wasn’t actually what he’d planned on saying. “We could walk.”

Lois fought to ignore the quick stutter-step her heart did and covered with a bright smile and a nod. She had read the inference in his tone and in what lay under his words. While he had offered to walk, she knew that what he really wanted to do was talk.

~\s/~

Clark sighed and tossed what remained of his Shay’s Papaya hot dog into a trash bin as they passed and reflected that their walk had brought them to the fountain.

Fitting, he thought wryly to himself. In the circle of life, we end where we begin.

Deliberately, but in a way that he hoped wasn’t obvious, he kept walking, steering them away from the scene of their emotional breakdown over a month before. If Lois was aware of the detour, she didn’t make it known.

Thoughts fluttered around Clark’s head, and he was having trouble deciding which of them to voice and which of them to ban. Over the past few weeks he and Lois had seemed to grow closer even though they were consciously moving slow with their progressing relationship. Her knowledge of his secrets had once been a scary thing but time had proven it to be the exact opposite. It was a form of intimacy that couldn’t be expressed in words.

In a way, the sharing of the burden had made it her secret too, and it alleviated a loneliness that he’d never admitted was in existence. The problem was, the secret carried with it great responsibility, and his overactive imagination delivered numerous hypotheticals of how the burden could more than either one of them could bear.

He’d voiced these concerns to his parents, explaining that his identity placed Lois in danger. Many people had already used her as bait for Superman, and that was *before* she’d even been secretly linked with him. His parents had cautioned against his making any rash decisions about what either of them could handle… but even with their sage wisdom in hand, Clark still felt the need to draw the proverbial line in the sand.

Feeling buoyed and resolved, Clark turned to address his partner only to realize that she was no longer walking with him. Spinning around, he found that she was sitting on a park bench looking at him with an expression that made it obvious that she was expecting him to return to her side and hash out whatever it was that was weighing on his shoulders.

“Well?” she asked, once he’d sat down. Her anxiety over *his* apparent anxiety had caused her to seek out the nearest seat when it had gotten to be too much to handle. The fact that he had kept walking had proven to her just how out of it he was. A traitorous voice kept trying to tell her that this was the day.



Swallowing in an attempt to dislodge the lump in her throat, she met his gaze defiantly… and immediately felt her courage dissolve- her hand reaching out to cover his in a sudden need for contact. She couldn’t lose this man. She couldn’t lose her heart.

Clark looked down at her hand and turned his over so their fingers could interlace. “Lois, I…”

When he stopped, Lois felt her breath catch. She didn’t start again until he did.

“I thought I loved you before, I thought that what I felt was the deepest emotion that a man – that a *super* man – could possibly feel for a woman.” He looked up to meet her eyes. “I was wrong. I know that now.”

This time, the lump in her throat was impossible to swallow and even though her mouth opened in preparation for a protest, nothing came out.

“What I felt for you before…” He paused, and it seemed that he was having his own issues with swallowing. “What I felt for you then *pales* in comparison to what I feel for you now.”

Lois felt dizzy as her heart started pumping again, sending blood rushing into recently neglected areas. Clark shifted on the bench, turning slightly so that he was facing her. The movement resulted in their clasped hands being pulled to rest on his thigh.

“I guess, what I wanted to say… what I’m trying to ask is, um, if you’d consider maybe…” He blew out a breath. “…If you’d want to…”

“Marry me,” Lois inserted breathlessly, so soft and forceful that it came out as something between a whisper and a cough.

Clark blinked at her in a stupor. “What?”

Confronted with the possibility of having to repeat herself, Lois felt embarrassed and pressed her lips together firmly. For his part, Clark’s superhearing prevented the need for repetition. He knew what she’d said, he just couldn’t quite believe she’d really said it.

“Lois?” Clark’s mind was once again tripping all over itself, but for a whole slew of new and delightful reasons. He studied her face, her eyes, the lines on her forehead, and smiled. Suddenly the anxiety was gone and in its stead he was filled with irrational amusement. “I was going to ask if we could start dating.”

Lois bit her lower lip, and to his relief appeared to be trying to hold back a laugh of her own. “Yeah. That’s probably what’s comes before…” She paused and waved her free hand in the air, “...the other thing.”

She may have slipped and brought the ‘M’ word into the conversation, but that didn’t mean she wanted to say it again.

Clark couldn’t help his sudden euphoria. The day seemed to have gotten brighter, the grass greener, the air cleaner. If he couldn’t already fly, he would have felt like he could. More than anything, he was happy that his decision hadn’t backfired.

Earlier, when he was pondering the world and his role in it, he had chosen Lois. In his musings, he had determined that he had two options. The first one was that he could separate himself from her in order to preserve her safety and not ever have to choose between his love and his (second) job. But when he realized that he couldn’t live in a world without her – and didn’t ever want to have to live in those circumstances – he’d gone with the other option. He would love Lois Lane with the entire essence of his being and if the world ever demanded that he choose between it or her – he would choose her. It was selfish, yes, but those were his non-negotiable terms.

And now, Freudian induced slip or not, she had brought out the biggest ‘M’ word he knew of.

“Are you even ready for that? The other thing, I mean,” he queried, tightening his hold on her hand.

With a small smile, she shook her head, but there was a certain *something* in her eyes when she did it. “Are you?”

Clark thought about that original conversation next to the fountain and the one that had followed in her apartment. He thought about the days full of contemplation and introspection he had been embroiled in since those events and then shook his head, answering her honestly. He needed to grow up a little more before he could be worthy of her hand.

He leaned over and placed a warm kiss against her lips, sliding his free hand first to cup her cheek, and then into her hair as the kiss deepened. When he pulled away, they both were smiling. “I want you to know that when you’re ready, I’m going to ask.”

Lois leaned in an initiated a kiss of her own. Their foreheads remained together as she pulled back just enough to be able to get in the last word.

“And when *you’re* ready, I want you know that I’m going to say yes.”

…

The End.